In Asylum
by High on the Rainbow
Summary: Beyond Birthday has L Lawliet trapped, though not in a conventional way. After managing to worm his way into the Detective's heart, BB is now holding L in "Asylum", a place distorting L thoughts and feelings, slowly driving him to the edge of insanity with no way out. How long can L survive in Asylum before he breaks completely? Seme!BB x L YAOI


Hey everybody… Rainbow-chan is… being derailed by Life. You all know how Life is, thwartin' ma plans, distracting me… How dare it.

Anyway, despite that, I have to post something so that people know I'm still alive, hence I'm writing my first ever song-based story. (I'm sorry I've spent so much time away from RH, ETPAP and TD:C, though the updates are being worked on, okay? Slowly, but surely. AND THERE'S ONLY TWO MORE WEEKS OF SCHOOL LEFT! MY HIATUS WILL BE ENDING SOON ENOUGH!) This is a one-shot and will **not** be continued or made into a full plot since it was a thought I had in passing. I don't think I could expand it more even if I wanted to. I have a separate multi-chapter story for BB/L in the works for after one of my three current on-goers is done since I refuse to work on more than three multi-chapter stories at a time.

In this story, I don't remember A's appearance nor do I want to go look it up, so I'm bullshitting his description. Just letting you know.

Based **loosely** on the song "Asylum" by Disturbed. (If you know this song, the vibe of the song is severely different from that of this one-shot. The interpretation is a bit warped.)

WARNINGS: Blood play, mild bondage, very slight BDSM, oral and anal sex between males and _character death_. Also a mentally unstable, angsty, depressed and in (dysfunctional) love L. Also, I don't believe in uke!BB so here we have my very first uke!L. You've been warned.

ALSO, some non-canon changes: in the anime/manga BB was killed by Kira in his early reign. Here, it is roughly a week after Higuchi is caught that BB is killed by Misa. I know the date is wrong. I don't care. And obviously, Light has his memories. B and A's portrayal at Wammy's is also different. Other minor things are twisted, too, but understand that by being a fan fiction changes are going to be made.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the wonderful lyrical genius of Disturbed or the amazing story-telling skills of Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba. And obviously none of the characters are mine. Duh. If any of these things were mine, they would all be the components of a Yaoi of epic proportions.

"In Asylum"

_Release me…_

I have always felt trapped inside my own mind, my own experiences, and most often, my cases. My name is L Lawliet, also known as the World's Greatest Detective. I have never been unable to solve a case and I am widely regarded as the world's trump card—the last resort of the ICPO.

Most people think that by being "L" I am the most powerful person in the world. That couldn't be further from the truth. If that's the case, then even the most powerful of people are quite powerless, really. It's a rather depressing thought.

I am a slave to the Justice I embody.

I need permission from any government along with the funding, technology and man power to do my job. They have the power to restrict my movements considerably. If anything, I am a tool. The only freedom I have is my ability to accept or reject a case. But still, in everything I've learned, three facts remain definite and unchanging:

I am not free at present.

I never _was _free.

I never _will be_ free.

…

…

…Well, I suppose my death would free me, but like any human, the instinct of self-preservation will always ensure my body's will to live. Regardless, I won't be freed, even in that way, because I don't want to die. …Even if I'm not really living.

From the day I entered Wammy's House, I was unknowingly trapped and caged by a persona, a title—a letter.

_No remnants were ever found of it…_

Before I left England and Wammy's House to assume my role as "L", I made sure that all traces of my past self were left behind. No one would find me; no one would know of my face, my name or my age. I had no gender and no identity. I was without past and emotion. I had no form—I was merely a letter. To the world, I was… inhuman. Frankly, I created such a gap between myself and the world that I am unsure as to whether or not I could ever integrate back into society.

_Feeling the hot bile…_

_With every fake smile…_

Even at Wammy's House I was never seen as… normal. I was never seen as having emotions or feelings or anything else that indicates whether or not someone can relate to or empathize with another. I was simply known as "L", the child prodigy and upcoming detective. I know that I was resented and hated for placing so much pressure on my potential successors. I didn't mean to—I never did. I wanted nothing more than to be a normal child with normal expectations, not a genius with the weight of the world on my thin and bony shoulders. Still, seeing the power behind the position I would have in the future, they tried to gain my favor. Their plastic smiles and practiced reactions sickened me. I am not the type to put forth such a pointless effort. Still, there are many others that give—and receive—that false cheer. I know firsthand the negative effects of those lies on others.

I remember my first two would-be successors—A for Alternative and B for Backup. That was what they were to be called originally. A was a boy five years younger than myself, standing at average height with soft blue eyes and short, sandy brown hair. He had lightly tanned skin and barely visible freckles. A was always known to be a little unstable, having a history of depression and occasional panic attacks or hallucinations. He often had night terrors as well.

Looking back, it wasn't wise to place the pressure of "L" on someone so mentally unstable, but we did so anyway. It was impressed on the two of them that they _were_ to become the next "L" and that it was a set fact, that there was no other alternative. Wammy implied that they had to aim to be the best because one day they _would_ be the best and anything less was unacceptable. In short, he wanted them to _become _me.

"L" has quite a long shadow. Yes… A long shadow and a heavy burden.

I understood that they were individuals and could not be me, perhaps not even close to me, but Wammy was blinded by his goals and received the opposite result as consequence.

The first generation of successors was deemed a "failure".

…

…

…I disagree.

Those children were not "failures".

Merely being unable to become a perfect imitation does not make the children themselves "failures". It makes them individuals with limitations—all people have their limits and no one could be expected to live up to and match my standards. Besides, an imitation is always just that—an _imitation_, a _copy_, a _fake_. It can never measure up to original and I am surprised Wammy could not see this until _after _a tragedy occurred.

From what I remember, Wammy had wanted me to spend more time with A and make him my first choice as my successor, as he held a stronger sense of Justice, but I never liked A much. I'm not sure why, but we just didn't work well together. I personally thought him to be too frail for my position, anyway, both in body and in spirit. Instead, I took up training B, someone I thought would work better under the pressure that his future role would place on him and could be taught a love of Justice.

I'll be the first to admit that B was a little… different. Though three years younger than myself, he looked like a near perfect copy of me already, with wild black hair, pale skin and a lithe frame. There was only one thing setting the two of us apart—his eyes. His eyes were red like rubies and sharply contrasted with my own endless obsidian ones. Not surprisingly, they scared most people away. He handled being my successor quite well in the beginning. I took quite a liking to him and spent the majority of my time with B instead of A. A was never on the same level as B intellectually, but he and B were good friends. I even believed A to have romantic feelings for B, at least to some extent, but I could have been wrong.

After a while, B started to exhibit strange behavior around me. I was… unsure of what his gestures meant. He would act like me, speak like me, and even started to dress as I did. At first, I thought it was a show of his admiration or a type of game he liked to play, confusing people into being unable to tell us apart. I never thought much of these quirks, as I could easily see B as the kind of boy who would enjoy playing games of that sort, but as it turns out I should have taken the signs much more seriously.

_Though no evidence was ever found…_

It was as I was training B one day that we received news of A's suicide. I would later learn that earlier that day A had confessed his feelings to B, confirming my suspicions, but B had rejected him. He cut his wrists in the bathroom after locking himself in and bled to death.

I knew that a part of it was the pressure of succeeding me and I had suspected that he had been off of his medication as well, but I never voiced my suspicions to anyone. After all, all I had were suspicions in the end, not concrete evidence. I only had the end result and my theories as to how that result came about. Speculation did nothing and I still drown in the guilt of it all.

_It never went away completely…_

Being "L", the thing A aspired to be, I can never escape the guilt of his death… And of course, with memories of A, reminders of B are always close behind.

_I try to hide from the unholy sound of it…_

_Another day gone…_

_Another night's dawn…_

B grieved A's death for quite some time and throughout his sadness I was there to comfort him. Hearing his suppressed sobs during the night was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Perhaps it would have been better for me to have distanced myself and never let my guard down. Perhaps, this was the time he began worming his way into that traitorous organ known as my heart.

I know it was wrong of me, but I grew very easily attached to B. As we grew and learned together, talking and discussing Justice, playing games, analyzing the past, acting at present and considering the future, I found that I opened up to him. Our confiding in one another after A's suicide only drew us closer together. To us, being L became… inconsequential. Unimportant. I was a person to B. I suppose… that's why I liked B so much; he never revered me or tried to be anything fake for me like A had and he even went so far as to yell at me a few times, daring to fight me. To him, I was an equal, not untouchable.

Days turned into weeks and weeks into months—eventually, his sadness lightened considerably. I knew it would never leave him entirely, but he began to smile again, to laugh again.

Another forbidden sound I should not have let affect me.

Soon, I began to think of him rather often. My heart beat faster in his presence. My body temperature rose and my palms grew sweaty. I knew what was happening, but I didn't know why. I was a man, so… I shouldn't feel this for another man… right? I never went to anyone with my thoughts on this matter. I was supposed to be emotionless and logical. I couldn't afford feelings. They were a weak point and my enemies would jump at the chance to exploit them were they ever discovered.

_Dark forces pull me underground…_

Still, I couldn't stop it, no matter what I did. I knew what was happening, yet I vehemently denied it. The feeling was sinking me, slowly but surely.

…I was falling in love with him.

I was falling in love and yet it was not at all light and airy as others often describe it. It was a dark feeling, a sense of foreboding. It was almost… depressing. I shouldn't love. I should feel for anyone, especially a man. The only thing I could do was remove myself from the source completely. I needed to immerse myself deeper into the shadows, the world of "L".

…

…

…In the end, I am a pitiful creature.

…

…

All I could do…

…was run.

_They never went away completely…_

I knew that I could never truly get away, but I had to try. I talked to Wammy and tried to convince him that I was ready to take on my most serious case at the time, one that required me to leave Wammy's House. Wammy was against it at first, thinking that I should stay and continue training B. Seeing as my conduct around B was the problem, I backed up my argument with the prospect of further cementing L's status and skill worldwide—up until that point, I had only taken England's cases. He reluctantly agreed.

I left without even saying "Goodbye".

Just like a coward.

_How can I feel this empty?_

Only once I left did I feel the true impact of my actions. Leaving B was like leaving a part of myself. I felt… broken. Empty. No matter how much I drowned myself in theories, plans and percentages, nothing eased my pain.

…

…

…I was lonely.

_I will not recover this time…_

_This loneliness is killing me…_

For years I kept taking on cases that would require me to stay away from Wammy's House and more importantly, away from B. He ran away from Wammy's sometime after I left him and later on I had to catch and imprison him—apparently he had aspired to become the world's greatest criminal in the hopes of defeating me and getting revenge.

…

…

…Is it sad that even then, as he was tried, convicted and hauled to prison that I still couldn't look at him? That I still can't bring myself to visit him?

I truly am pathetic, hiding from him like this.

Now, at twenty-four years old, I was working on the Kira Case, the toughest case of my career. I should be completely consumed by a case as difficult and challenging as this, but here I am thinking back to a time I should simply forget.

I began to sleep even less after I left, working myself to the point of extreme exhaustion, all to get my mind off of ruby red eyes, porcelain skin and raven tresses. …It hurt. Soon, I began to see him, sometimes even hear him—I was going insane.

I never thought I would fall that deep.

I thought I had severed the ties in time.

…

…

…I guess I miscalculated.

Now every waking and non-waking moment was filled with his slipping into my vision, my thoughts… all of my senses, really. I don't know how Wammy never noticed, but I am grateful that he didn't. Surely the world couldn't know that L was losing his mind over something so simple.

_Will I ever know peace of mind again?_

I hated my dependency.

I am L.

I am _L._

_I. am. **L**._

I shouldn't _need _this. It was wrong, it was inconceivable…

L had fallen so deeply in love that he was being driven mad.

…

…

…

…And by a man, no less.

…Pathetic.

_I don't believe it…_

And yet, for all his power, he could never have the one thing he wanted. …_One thing! _Just _one_.

_I can't achieve it…_

I suppose… This is a sign. Perhaps A is keeping me from the one thing I wanted because I kept everything he wanted from him.

…

…

…How sad. I'm falling apart so much as to believe in something silly, like vengeful ghosts.

…Although with Shinigami around is it all that improbable?

_I think it all is just another sign_

_That never went away completely…_

I sat up every night, scared and at the same time excited, to see your face. There was no point in hiding. You always came. Still, no one could know. Not the young, beautiful and intelligent brunette chained to my wrist snoring lightly to my left. Not the few members of the Task Force I personally selected. Not even Watari—especially Watari. I had perfected my mask of disinterest, boredom, passiveness and dismissal. No one knew how much the Great L was cracking.

The World's Greatest Detective—L—falling apart. Breaking and crumbling. Shattering to this extent.

…

…

…What a frightening thought. That the world's strongest pillar of Justice was just as human as everyone else. Surely Kira—Yagami Light, the boy sleeping soundly beside me—would jump at the chance to harm me in my moment of weakness. After detaining Higuchi, there is no doubt in my mind that the innocent Light I once knew is dead once again, with Kira in his place. I won't show Kira my fear.

_Terror is coursing in me…_

Still, being as sleep deprived as I was, I knew it was coming. I knew _you _were coming. I didn't want to see it. Why…? Why was I… no, why am I _still_ so powerless?

_Dreading the final moments…_

_When I have to dream…_

You are part of the reason I no longer sleep, B. When I sleep, I dream. I dream of all the things you must be feeling, all that I've done to you, and I fear I may have broken you, that I've damaged you irreparably due to my selfish desire to preserve myself.

_And feel you die_

In my dreams you are not the same. The B I know dies.

_In Asylum (I live a lie)_

This title of "L", this emotionless mask, this success, this indifference—it's all a lie. I chose this lie over you and all because I couldn't cope with myself. I abandoned you because I was _afraid_.

_Don't you know I'm in love with you…_

_And I wasn't ready?_

I wasn't ready and because of that, I chose to relive my lie and be ignorant of you. I let you go. I hate myself for it and now I'm paying for it with my sanity. I'm dying on the inside every day, little by little, and I can't stop it.

Still, I find that as long as I die with you, it might just be okay.

_For Asylum (Relive a lie)_

_To let go_

_Now it's dragging me into your grave… _

But somehow… I dare to keep going. I fight this drowning feeling, even though it's futile. I want to know if you are also trapped in Asylum, our personal prison. Perhaps I'm being arrogant by assuming you're trapped with me. I often wonder if you'll forgive me…

But still…

…I know time is not on my side. In fact, I am probably far too late.

_Your Asylum (Forgive the lie)_

_Overcome by the feeling that I won't get to join you in time_

_For the loneliness is killing me_

As I fall into the dreaded realm of sleep, memories and want, I see many faces before I see yours. I know all of these people, of course—I did send them to their deaths. Most hiss words of vengeance, others of anger or hatred, and rarely those of remorse—not all that die are hateful in the electric chair; some are understanding, regretful of their crimes and accepting of their punishment.

_Death's images all around again…_

There are times when my paranoia doesn't let me remember that they're dead and they chase me relentlessly. I feel the panic coursing through my veins, breathing heavy and erratic, not even thinking as I run aimlessly away.

_They're right behind me…_

_They're gonna find me…_

They finally catch me, sending me to a lone yet open cell, surrounding me, putting me on a humiliating and bare display, judging, glaring, mocking, and openly attacking me sometimes. I understand, but here my mask serves no purpose—they can see all the weaknesses I've been covering for years now in this place.

I am L.

L is supposed to be flawless.

I am supposed to be flawless.

…

…

I am L.

I am human.

Humanity is a flaw; it is ridden with mistakes and imperfections.

It must be a sin to be human.

Because I am L.

…

…

I am L…

…and I have sinned.

_Judgment for the immortal sin_

_That had enveloped me completely_

I am L. I killed them—I killed all of them in the name of Justice. They deserved punishment, but death? No one deserves death. The government sentenced them, not me, but I am still at fault. I have sinned and for that I can never rest. I don't _deserve _rest. I am not innocent enough to rest. It is at times like this that I envy Kira—he's killed thousands and he rests easy, snoring softly without a care in the world.

_I know I'll never know a peaceful night again…_

I don't say anything to them; I hold no power here. I am hated and wrong here. I have no voice.

_Afraid they'll hear me;_

_They don't fear me…_

I wait for the judgment to end, as next comes the punishment. I know I will be sent to you soon—you seem to rule over these criminals here. You are the Judge, B and I am the accused. It seems we always have a reversal of roles in this world.

…It's fitting, in a way.

…

…

I am L.

L is Justice.

Justice is being judged.

…

…

…And by criminals of all people—by murderers, rapists and terrorists… And _you_.

…

…

I am L.

I did wrong.

L did wrong.

L is Justice.

Justice did wrong…?

Justice did wrong.

…

…

I am L.

I am a criminal here.

L is a criminal.

L is Justice.

Justice is criminal…?

…Yes, it would seem so.

…

…

…That doesn't seem right.

_"But it is right, Lawli."_

…Of course it is. You rule here, B. You are the Judge. I am the criminal and I need to be punished.

_"Of course you do, Lawli. You know that I can't so easily forgive you for what you've done."_

_Punishment for the immoral crime;_

_The debt was never paid completely_

Finally, you appear, a mirror image of myself—feathery, wild black hair, marble skin and a slight figure. Somehow, you make the overall look _better_, somehow more… aesthetically pleasing. Looking at myself, I would say that my body was bony and malnourished or underweight, yet you look lithe, toned and perfect. I would say that my hair is unkempt and messy; on you it looks purposeful and sexy in an effortless way. I would say that my skin is sickly and pallid, yet on you it is pure and flawless, ethereal in a way. You easily surpass your 'original', Beyond.

Still, as I look upon your form, so similar and yet so different from my own, I can't help focusing in on your eyes. Those blood red eyes, glistening like perfectly polished rubies, so full of an emotion I have yet to identify, even though you've been looking at me with that same look for years here. It makes me feel… nervous…

_Terror is coursing in me…_

I know what is going to happen now. You reach out and grab my hand, gently though, as you lead me into a chamber you always have waiting in the event of my return here—I am sure you know that my coming back is inevitable. Even so, with every step towards my awaiting torture, my anxiety rises knowing your gentle touch is only a lie to lull me into false security.

_Dreading the final moments_

_When I have to dream…_

It's unavoidable since I cannot stay awake forever and honestly there are times when I wonder if I even want to. But then I am reminded of the B I knew and how he died; how _I _killed him, that wonderful face and aggressive spirit. This you is only an empty shell, a sick perversion of the past.

_And feel you die_

Still…

…

…

…If this is all I can get…

…I'll gladly take it. Anything to make this façade worth maintaining. It's okay, even if I can only see you here, in my dreams, even if it's only a shell of your former self—_anything_ remaining of you is enough.

…

…

…Even if it's punishment.

_In Asylum (I live a lie) _

_Don't you know I'm in love with you…_

_And I wasn't ready?_

The room you have for me is always dimly lit and cold; it makes sense though—this is a torture chamber. I follow you without question or argument, stopping only when you turn around and stare me down, that indiscernible look never leaving your crimson irises.

"…You know, I've come to a realization… L," you say, your voice somewhat contemplative. I don't dare turn away from you as you speak. Your eyes glaze over in a somewhat sadistic haze as you speak slowly and purposefully. "…You find satisfaction in coming here… and in our time together."

It is said as a fact and I don't deny it. Lying to you will only make things worse.

"…In fact, you've settled for this, haven't you? It eases your guilt. But I don't want to ease your guilt, L. I want you to hurt more. So, I've decided something—I'm not going to visit you anymore."

My eyes widen and fear overtakes me as I silently panic.

"…But, I'll tell you this, L," you say, a blank look guarding your eyes. I impatiently await your answer, the urge to fidget overwhelming me. "…I don't hate you… at least, not yet. I'll forgive you once you give up the one thing you do to keep me away—your case work. As for seeing me again… well, you'll figure it out soon enough. No matter what you do, we'll be meeting again soon. The only question is… will you have earned my forgiveness or not?"

_…But… why do you seem… almost sad, B?_

_Your words, your actions… they all seem so cruel, understandably so… but your eyes… they contradict you…_

_…_

_…_

_…Why are they so hard to read?_

…

(one week later)

Beyond was right; ever since that dream one week ago I haven't even glimpsed him. Nothing, not even a whisper of his voice, none of the flashes of red at the edges of my peripheral vision that I had become so accustomed to. Being 'sane' again… I'm not sure how to cope with it.

I almost want the visions back.

Still, I turn back to my computer screen, sorting through information half-heartedly. I see Light glance over at me, though I pay him no mind. I absently allow my thoughts to travel to B's last words before I'm interrupted by mild static.

"Ryuuzaki," I hear Watari address me through the intercom. "…I have some news that may be of interest to you."

"…I trust you have a report of some kind," I say monotonously.

"Of course. I am sending you the file now. I shall also be downstairs with your afternoon assortment of confectionaries shortly. And may I ask your choice of tea?"

I bring my thumb to my lips in thought before quickly replying. "…Earl Grey. Please bring a peppermint stick and strawberry pocky along with my usual assortment and thank you for the file."

"…Of course, Ryuuzaki."

I click on the folder as it appears on screen, my eyes widening slightly as I quickly read over the information. I could feel my blood run cold as I drank in the words and their meaning. I wouldn't be surprised if my skin visibly paled.

_"Name: Beyond Birthday_

_Age: twenty-one_

_Height: 5' 9'_

_Hair: Black_

_Eyes: Red_

_Prison ID#: 16894520B-56K_

_COD: Heart attack_

_TOD: 21:36 P.M., Tuesday, March 3rd, 2008_

_Summary: Beyond Birthday had been acting strangely one week prior to his death. He claimed to have had some vision about his own death as revealed to his psychiatrist, Mr. Sean Turner. Later that evening he was returned to his cell, never speaking another word to anyone. At times he would talk to himself, speaking of redemption and seeing 'him' again, though he never disclosed who he was referring to. During this period he was substantially less violent. After a while he stopped talking altogether and a week later was found dead in his cell by a prison guard. He was transported to the morgue for autopsy and is said to have died of a hea—"_

After that point, my eyes became unseeing. Beyond was… dead? Kira… killed him? No… Light killed him. I feel my body tense up, my hands shaking and trembling slightly, not caring who notices now. I have no reason to care, no reason to keep pretending—that reason has already left me… though really, didn't I leave him first?

I don't know anything anymore.

_"…You know, I've come to a realization… L."_

As have I, Beyond. I should have never left you. If I hadn't been such a pathetic person and stayed with you, you might not have become this… Kira wouldn't have killed you. We… we might even be together. It could have been different…

…

…

…It took me a long time—many years, in fact—but I, too, came to a realization, B. It took me even longer to come to terms with and accept that realization. I always knew, but I've been in denial up until this moment.

I…

…

…

…I love you, Beyond Birthday.

_"…I don't hate you… at least not yet."_

…B… Are you… no, you are. You're giving me another chance. It's not all lost, not yet. I still have time.

_"…I'll forgive you once you give up the one thing you do to keep me away—your case work."_

_For Asylum (Relive a lie)_

_To let go_

_Now it's dragging me into your grave_

I will, B. I'll surrender. This case killed you and it will most likely kill me, too.

…

…

_"…No matter what you do, we'll be meeting again soon. The only question is… will you have earned my forgiveness or not?"_

…

…

…I've decided now, B.

If I'm going to die…

…

…

…the least I can do is earn your forgiveness.

I'll do anything for you.

_Your Asylum (Forgive the lie)_

_Overcome by the feeling that I won't get to join you in time_

_For the loneliness is killing me_

As Watari comes in, I stand to meet him halfway. Pausing a moment, I can sense his slight confusion. I speak to him in Russian, a language that not even Light can recognize, and address him.

"…Я возглавляю к крыше. Не беспокоить меня и следить за тем, что остальная часть следственной группы хранится занят." _I am heading to the rooftop. Do not disturb me and see to it that the rest of the investigation team is kept busy._

"Конечно, сэр. Я уверен, что у вас есть причины. Когда мы можем ожидать вашего возвращения?" _Of __course, __sir. __I am sure you have your reasons. When can we expect your return?_

"Я не буду слишком долго." _I will not be too long._

"Очень хорошо, сэр. Я должен сообщить команде." _Very well, sir. I shall inform the team._

Nodding my consent, I shuffle upstairs, not at all bothered when my pant leg gets caught on the stairs. I catch myself on the railing, too suffocated by my emotions to notice someone following behind me, though I do vaguely register the almost predatory feeling of eyes boring holes into my back.

Once I reach the rooftop I'm greeted by the feeling of rain against my body as I walk forward, uncaring.

I close my eyes, thinking back on today. I know that I'm going to die. And I guess… that this is what you meant when you said that we would be meeting again soon, regardless of what I did. I don't know how you knew, B, but I am grateful for the chance at redemption. I don't want to go through this anymore… I don't want to put _you _through this.

_In the end there will be no suffering (more suffering)_

I tried to end both of our suffering before it had a chance to begin, but I was too foolish to realize that we were already trapped. Emotions are sadly not as simple or feeble as I believed them to be. I can't just turn them off whenever I please; at best, I can mask them, but they will always be there. My confused and hasty attempt and ending the suffering, both yours and my own, only led to more pain. Neither of us walked away from this unscathed.

_In the end you will find out everything (not anything)_

It took me a long time to come to terms with my actions. My confidence in my own knowledge led me to learn that I know nothing. I know absolutely nothing of the human heart, nothing of how _you_ felt, nothing of how it would affect _you_. …Nothing. Nothing at all.

I was so goddamn selfish.

I was so goddamn_ stupid_.

_In the end you may question your belief (what belief)_

I don't even know what to do anymore. If I can't believe in myself, what _can _I believe in…? After being forced to face that fact that my security in my intellect was nothing but a poorly maintained façade, I feel… so _lost_. The only thing I believe now is whatever you tell me, and I don't even know if you're real or whether or not your words are true…

And you know what?

…

…

…I don't care anymore.

It's all I have left.

I look up, rain staining my face; it feels perplexingly good, relaxing even. I feel my hair being weighed down, my skin covered in goosebumps, my muscles quivering as my body shakes and shivers… and it feels amazing—I feel liberated, even if only for a moment. I like being away from the investigation. This one moment of freedom is what I'm living for.

The bells… your laughter… your sobbing… I can hear them all today; it sounds so clear… so… broken.

…

…

…That is, until it's interrupted by a sickeningly smooth voice.

"Ryuuzaki? What are you doing out here?"

I slowly look up at him, hair billowing in the wind and a hand over his head trying to shield himself from the almost violent gusts. I suppose being up here would be dangerous in light of the weather, but I almost welcome that danger. Why should I be concerned with it?

What's a little danger to a dead man walking?

I heard him, but I tilt my head as if in confusion or trying to hear him better. He seems a little annoyed as he calls out again. "What are you doing out here?"

I cup my hand to my ear, leaning forward a little, and with a sigh he gives up, walking out into the rain to speak to me. "What are you doing out here, Ryuuzaki? You're going to catch cold," he says, sounding falsely concerned. It's so easy to see how practiced this role is to him. Slight turn of the lips here, change in pitch there, slight shift in posture, and a barely noticeable lowering of the eye lids before finally looking up, concerned. I admit, he's an excellent actor.

Still, he won't deceive me.

…

…

…I've already done that myself by thinking my actions against Beyond would be effective.

_In the end you will realize someday _

_How you were deceived_

Ironic, isn't it? Deceiving oneself?

I suppose I'm also deceiving you, Light-kun, by letting you think you've won. …I'm really just quitting, depriving you of a true, satisfactory victory.

I'm pulled out of my musings by the sound of my aliased name. "…Um, Ryuuzaki?" Light asks, sounding curious and confused. Perhaps it was genuine confusion and curiosity—I am acting a little different from the unshakable Ryuuzaki Light-kun knows.

I ignore him, immersing myself once again in my thoughts. I don't notice that I speak out loud. "…The bells sure are loud today, aren't they? There's laughter, too… I almost wish it was a wedding… But, no. It's not a wedding… A wedding would be too joyous an occasion for a laughter such as this…"

Light looks at me with blatant disbelief, tapping me on my shoulder. "…Uhm, Ryuuzaki? What are you talking about…?"

"…It's not a wedding, Light-kun," I state, turning suddenly to face him, my eyes no doubt bleak and serious. I whisper lowly, so that it can barely be heard over the sound of the rain, even as the sound seems to mute in the background at my next words. "…It is a funeral. No one sobs like this at a wedding… The sound is far too painful…"

Light is silent, unsure of what to make from my seemingly senseless rambling. I disregard him and keep mumbling, my voice low and thoughtful. Bringing my thumb to my slightly parted lips, I shuffle closer to the edge of the building, unseeing and unperturbed. "…It hurts, and yet… it feels… good. I am able to see him again. I suppose that's all that matters. Though I have to wonder… why is he crying…?"

"Uh… Look, Ryuuzaki, maybe you should just come back inside. We might be able to find a new lead on Kira. You and I both know the Kira killings have restarted. So… come on," Light says, holding out his hand to me. "Let's go catch Kira." Carefully insert 'reassuring smile'.

"…Light-kun," I say though still not facing him, rain pouring down my form, drenching me to my very core. I look up at the gray, overcast skies and I find that I can't shake this heaviness, this numbness. I feel just as heavy as those clouds, raining acidic tears upon my thin frame. Thankfully, they meld well with my own tears. I didn't even think I was capable of crying anymore. When did they even start to fall? Really… why am I still here?

"…No. Not Light-kun," I say, amending my words as an afterthought. There is no reason to keep up this façade; he knows that he is Kira and he knows that I will never believe he is innocent. We both know that I am going to die soon, so why not be honest for once in our pitiful lives? "…I should address you properly, right… Kira-kun?"

I practically feel Light's amber eyes narrow in anger, no doubt to rant again about how 'he's not Kira'. It seems as though Kira-kun and I do not share the same sentiments… but then again Kira-kun isn't the one dying today.

"For the last time, Ryuuzaki, I'm not Kira! We caught Higuchi! What more do I have to do to prove to you that I—"

"…Tell me something, Kira-kun," I begin, my voice low and toneless. I do have one curiosity I'd like sated before I die.

"Ryuuzaki! I am NOT Kira!"

I ignore him, instead choosing to ask my question. "…Have you ever once told the truth? …About anything? I sincerely doubt that anyone knows the true you, Kira-kun. So I must ask… who is Kira-kun?"

Light looks a little taken aback by my query as he blinks several times, trying to compose himself. For once, he stops arguing his identity as Kira and answers.

"…Of course I've lied, Ryuuzaki. You'd be pretty hard pressed to find someone who has never lied once in their life. We all tell white lies, lies to protect others from a dark truth or even to save ourselves, but I also make a conscious effort not to lie."

…

…

…A very roundabout answer, Kira.

"…You are clearly not lying to protect others, Kira-kun. If they were to learn the truth they may feel as I once did and try to send you to your death. Perhaps you are lying to save yourself. But I want you to be honest with me now, Kira-kun… There are no cameras or wire taps here and even if there were they wouldn't be able to function due to the weather. And if that is not sufficient enough for you, then there is also a high probability of interference of some sort. I have no way to record this."

Light seems to contemplate my words, but remains silent. I take that as a sign to ask my question.

"…I will ask you once more. Are you Kira, Yagami Light?"

...

…

…

"…Yes, L. I am Kira."

"…I knew it. I just wanted to hear it once before the end."

"You realize that you're going to die, don't you, Ryuuzaki?" you ask, voice haughty and smug, no doubt reveling in the knowledge that I can't prevent my death and that I should fear you. I can tell that you're trying to get some kind of reaction out of me.

I won't give Kira-kun that satisfaction.

"…Yes, I do."

"Well, aren't you afraid? The mass murderer you've been hunting for is standing right in front of you, _telling _you that they're going to kill you!"

"…I am aware of that, Kira-kun."

"And that doesn't bother you? Not even a little?!"

"…No."

"Why the hell not, Ryuuzaki? Why the fuck are you so damn calm about this? I going to _kill you_!Are you even human? Anyone else would at least feel fear in this situation!"

"…Think about this from my point of view, Kira-kun. What purpose would being frightened serve aside from giving you the response you so obviously and desperately crave? I know that I cannot prevent my death and I won't lose my dignity by begging you to spare my life. In all honesty, I was planning to quit this case. In fact, I still am."

"But—"

"…Regardless, I do have to make my resignation official before I die. Otherwise, someone else may try to take up this case… though I suppose it's not really any of my concern, is it? I'll be dead. And of course it wouldn't matter then… Does it even matter now?"

"Ryuu—"

"…No. No, it doesn't. And do not misunderstand, Kira-kun. I am not resigning myself from this case due to a lack of evidence or some inability to catch you. I have a much more important reason for doing this and this is simply a means to get what I want."

"You—"

"…Come, Kira-kun. Once I inform the Task Force you may dispose of me as you see fit. You obviously can't let me live after telling me all this. You're too smart for that and I know too much. I don't care how, just do so soon, preferably before  
the day is over. This has gone on far too long."

Without awaiting a response, I head inside and use the elevator this time. I can only assume that since Light did not take the elevator with me that he will take the stairs. Once I enter the investigation room, I am fixed with four shocked and disbelieving gazes and one mildly surprised and concerned look. It would seem Light is taking his time walking down. Immediately, Matsuda speaks up, frantic and worried.

"Ryuuzaki! Are you okay? Where were you? And why are you so wet? Were you outside?! It's pouring out there! You'll catch a cold, L! What were you thinking?!"

"…None of that is of any concern, Matsuda-san. Now if everyone would give me their attention, I have an announcement to make."

The investigators turn their swivel chairs around anxiously, completely focused on what I'm about to say next. I lazily make eye contact with each of them, my gaze lingering for a few moments and remembering each of them.

Ironically, I think I will miss Matsuda the most. He was the most endeared to me and always treated me as a true friend and a human being.

I inhale quietly before delivering my next words.

…

…

"…I plan to drop the Kira Case."

A moment of silence.

Another of disbelief.

And lastly, the moment I turn to leave, allowing them to absorb my last words like poison.

…

…

And now…

…I'm ready to die.

_This has gone on too long (too long)_

I refuse to live in this lie anymore.

_No more demonic dreams… _

Now I won't have to dream either. I won't be trapped. I'll finally have some semblance of freedom…

…Although, I have to wonder… what does it feels like?

…

…

…Death, that is.

What is it like? Does it hurt? Or is it painless?

Will I truly feel anything as Kira snuffs out my existence? Or will death make me feel more alive than ever before?

Will I go to Heaven?

…

…

…No. That's a stupid question.

I'll go to Hell for sure.

…

…

But most importantly…

…will Beyond be there waiting for me?

I move to lay down in the center of my bed and close my eyes—I don't want Watari to find me in an awkward or disturbing position.

Well, that is assuming he lives long enough to find my body.

I'll have to apologize to Watari after we die, assuming I can find and meet up with him in the Afterlife. I don't know if I can, as I presume he will go to Heaven. I shouldn't take his life in pursuit of my own selfish desires. Then again, I've never had many opportunities to have what I _truly _want.

Still, knowing Kira, he'll probably kill me with his usual method so that there will be no doubt surrounding his claim on my life; it's a matter of pride and victory for him. At least I can feel satisfied with the knowledge that his victory is not whole. I am quitting and therefore he has not completely won—I didn't give him the chance to defeat me using my full capabilities. But I also know that he won't pass up an opportunity like this. I wait patiently for my demise.

As I open my eyes slightly, I see the face of B, the sole reason I'm doing any of this. His eyes seem… watery and sad, yet… happy?

_"…I didn't think you would do it, Lawliet."_

"…How could I not, B? …I have always loved you. Everything I did… I did it for you," I answer softly.

_"…And I for you, L. Why do you think I killed all those people? For _fun_? I just wanted you to come back, to _notice_ me… You left me and the only way to get you to come back to me was to become one of your cases. But you gave them up… Am I really that important to you…?"_

"…Of course, Bey—"

…

…

…_Thump._

My chest burns with a numbed and yet searing agony. Still, I don't cry out; if anything I give thanks.

_Destroyer come to light…_

_Because the memory is killing me…_

Yes, Kira. Take me to my death, for beyond death's door lies redemption… Salvation. …Forgiveness. Love. Happiness. Everything I have ever wanted lies in a place that only becomes accessible after death. So in reality, I am the only one truly winning.

The memories are gone now and I can finally move forward from this past to an eternity with the man I love. The man known as Beyond Birthday.

_In Asylum (I live a lie)_

_I let go _

_Now it's dragging me into your grave_

_"…Lawliet…"_

_For Asylum (Relive a lie)_

_Overcome by the feeling that I won't get to join you in time_

_B…_

_(Without you) This world is not fulfilling me_

_I'm finally able to be with you…_

_Don't make me live in Asylum_

_I live a lie_

_Don't want to live in Asylum_

_I live a lie_

_Don't make me live in Asylum_

_I live a lie_

As the last breath of air escapes my lungs and my eyes slowly lose life, my spirit is expelled from my body and I reach out to Beyond's hand; he catches me, pulling me into his embrace. I grip him tightly, afraid to look at my rapidly cooling body, afraid that this is another dream. As if reading my mind, you answer, "…It's not a dream, Lawli. We're together now and you won't leave me this time, _will you_, L?"

"Of course not. I've waited for so long… Staying away was so hard… I can't let you leave me, B. I love you." I don't even hesitate to respond to him. I look up into his crimson irises with unwavering commitment and no small amount of desperation. If he were to leave me here alone for eternity, I… I…

"Good, because I have something I've wanted to do to you for a long time, L."

"Wha—"

Before I can ask what, he answers me with action; the feeling of his lips on mine make the rest of the world melt away in the background, everything from my own cold corpse to the panicked shouts of the Task Force to Light-kun's over the top, practiced hysteria. I lose myself in that kiss, in his taste—his flavor is unique to him, the clashing tastes of strawberry jam and blood coming together, harmoniously blended with a third taste that is purely Beyond Birthday.

I kiss back with unrestrained passion, sighing contentedly as he becomes more demanding. I feel his tongue at my lips, nearly ordering me to part them and grant him access. I happily comply. I _need _this.

I hear a possessive growl escape him as he explores me aggressively, tongue twisting with mine almost as if daring me to try and assert my dominance. I know that I won't win and I honestly have no desire to, but he wouldn't like me to be so easily submissive; he likes a challenge. I tentatively move against him until he forces me to obey in earnest and I moan into him as he regains control.

After a few more moments locked in bliss, the kiss is broken and our surroundings come rushing back—Watari was now found dead, the Task Force is in a panic, and Light looks victorious yet distinctly unsatisfied, just as I had planned. Before I can observe anything else, Beyond grabs my chin and abruptly forces me to face him.

"No, L," he says firmly, his crimson stare hard and intense, commanding obedience. "I've been away from this for far too long. Look at _nothing_ but me. I _am _your world right now."

"…You're wrong, B," I say, earning a hard glare. I finish my statement quickly. "…You are _always _my world."

"As I should be. Let's go—I have a special place I want to do this."

…

We arrive in a dimly lit room extremely similar to the torture chamber I saw in my dreams. The room is relatively empty with only a single king sized bed lain with silky red, black and white sheets. The only major difference is that the room is lit with candle light, which I assume is B's attempt at romance. I turn to face B nervously, though I try not to show it. I know how B hates weakness in others. Beyond's ruby red eyes look over at me, locking on to my endless obsidian orbs. I'm relieved to see no malicious intent behind his eyes, though I am worried about what he plans to do. Despite the situation and my nervousness I can't help feeling a twinge of excitement.

"…I do love you, L. And because I love you, I should warn you that I'm a little bit kinky," he states. He moves his hands up my arms, grasping me tightly as he looks at me. "I will go easy on you because it's your first time, but …I want to brand you, L."

I swallow nervously. I know I had resigned to the pain in my dreams, but this wasn't a dream. Could I even feel pain in the Afterlife? As his grip tightens, I quickly receive a positive answer and I barely hold back a wince. I tremble slightly at the idea of B's 'branding' ritual. With him that could mean anything from love bites to burn marks.

"…It will hurt, L. And I have several ways I want to mark you because you are _mine_. I have forgiven you, L, and I won't do it because it hurts you, but because I _love _you. I want the _world _to know who you belong to. I _own _you, L."

I feel the beginning pangs of arousal stirring at the idea of being Beyond's, even if it's as a type of property. I _want _to be his. If I'm his, then he'll also mine, albeit as a master. I nod my assent, slowly and unsurely. I could never hope to fight against B, even if I wanted to. And as sad as it sounds, I am pretty resigned to the uke role. As the seme he'll protect me and I've already shown that my attempts at doing so only serve to hurt him; they always backfire. It's not that I'm all too keen on being the uke—far from it—it's that I am just not a suitable dominant, least of all to B.

"…I want you to strip, L, but leave your boxers on. And close your eyes once you're done; I have something I made for you."

I obey without question, slowly slipping my fingers under the hem of my shirt before grasping it lightly and pushing it up my abdomen, revealing lightly toned stomach muscles. Soon, I pull it over my head, further ruffling my disheveled hair. I shiver slightly as the cool air hits my skin.

B still hasn't returned, so I continue to take my time and slowly unbutton my jeans, slipping them down my legs, leaving black silk boxers. I wonder if Beyond is wearing the same thing… I blush lightly at the thought. But I can't really help it; after such a long time of repressing any romantic thoughts of B, I never got the chance to freely think of him in a sexual manner either.

Suddenly, I feel eyes on me and I make sure my eyes are closed, standing slowly and patiently awaiting B's hands on my body. Instead, I feel something cool wrapping around my neck, but I don't dare open my eyes. After hearing some metal clink, I feel the warmth of B's touch recede.

"…Open your eyes, L," B orders. I immediately do so and come face to face with a mirror. On my reflection I see a spiked, black leather collar buckled in front with a silver tag in the shape of a gothic B. I turn to face B, but I immediately notice a similar collar around his neck, only his tag is in the shape of a silver gothic L. I blush at his gesture.

"…You are mine, L. And now I am yours. But, I'm not done marking you, L. Come over here." He walks over to a bed with several restraints nearby and a table covered with a wide range of toys, everything from knives and whips to various gags. I feel my blush deepen and the heat in my abdomen tighten in response.

"…Lie down." I move slowly but tentatively onto the bed; at least the sheets are soft… silky, even. He moves to tie my arms to the bed posts and I note that it is a rather strange type of leather restraint. Once secure, he grabs a knife though he doesn't pierce my skin just yet. He moves the cold blade lightly across my pale flesh, moving to press his lips to mine, gently at first before urgently pressing his tongue to my lips, silently commanding me to grant him access. I react too late and he bites at my lower lip, causing me to gasp. He seizes the opportunity and forces his way past, dancing with my tongue and drowning me in that wondrous flavor.

Once the need for oxygen makes itself known, the kiss is broken, both of us panting lightly as he caresses my cheek with the blade.

"…Are you, ready, L?"

I swallow nervously, but still answer him. "…Y-yes."

I feel him moan softly, grinding into me slightly as he gives me another command. "…I want you to beg me to mark you," he says, teasing me with light touches and nips.

I should have known that he would want to hear me beg for him, yet I still find myself a little surprised. I didn't think I would get to say much during this or that he'd even want to hear my voice. Still, I indulge him; whatever B wants, I'll do it. I'll do anything for him. I'll do anything to atone for the way I treated him; he deserves nothing less than my complete compliance.

"…Please, mark me, B."

He pauses in teasingly running his fingers along my chest and kissing my neck and collar bone, glaring down at me. "You don't sound like you want it badly enough, L."

"Please… M-make me yours…"

"Say it like you mean it, L!"

"_Please_, B! I-I want to be yours!"

Without any warning, I feel the blade slice into my chest, a 'B' being etched over my heart. It hurts so badly that I almost cry out, but I keep my voice in check—I don't know if that's what Beyond wants from me.

Once he's done, he turns the blade on himself, carving an L across his own heart. I must admit that watching B cut himself, permanently marking his flesh as _mine_… I couldn't suppress a groan of approval.

Hearing the sound escape my throat, he smirks, looking down at me with lust and desire. He slowly, tantalizingly, almost seductively, brings the blade to his lips, drawing his tongue out to flick at the blade in teasing manner until finally dragging it along the flat edge, licking up the blood, _our _blood. As he moans softly I whimper pathetically, wanting desperately to be free and touch him; I wish he would stop teasing me…

After the little show with the knife, he moves his lips to attack my neck, nipping and sucking fiercely, using his hands to smear my blood over my torso. I can't hold back my moans as he bites down, drawing blood and ingesting the crimson liquid.

"Mmmn… God, you taste so much better than I imagined, L… So sweet…"

I feel him beginning to grind into me with more fervor as he moans against me, skin against skin, and I find my arousal becoming near painful. Suddenly, I feel his tongue gliding across my chest, no doubt trying to savor as much of my blood as he can—he always did have an unnatural fixation with the crimson liquid. I can't control myself as more sounds slip past my lips, my body flushing and the temperature rising. Beyond hasn't said anything, so I assume he likes it, if his quickening pace and labored breathing are signs to go by.

"Nnngh… L…" He moans, leaning back a few moments to take off the remainder of our clothes before climbing back over top of me and settling himself between my legs. I shiver slightly at being this exposed to him—I never even liked to shake hands with others, so this kind of intimacy is still a little frightening for me. Still, I can barely stand the need I have for him—I _need_ him to touch me more.

"B… p-please… I-I need—"

"Shh… I know, L," he says, his voice lusty. I see him reach over the bedside table and grab what looks like a… cock ring?

"…Wh-what are you—?"

"Shush, L. I know what I'm doing," he says, trying to reassure me. "…You're a virgin and I don't want you coming too quickly." I feel him slide it down my shaft, placing it near the base before the warmth of his body leaves me, his lips moving slowly down my torso, teasing my nipples for a bit before teasing my naval. I moan and arch into the touch, desperately craving more of him.

"P-please… Beyond…"

"Hmmn… My name sound so _sexy_ coming from _you_, L…"

I can feel his breath ghosting over my burning flesh… I _need _him to touch me. I buck my hips forward, trying helplessly to get him closer and feel some of that wondrous friction.

Suddenly, a wet warmth surrounds me; I gasp loudly at the sensation. I can only focus on one thing:

How insanely _delicious _this feels.

His lips only close around the head at first, ever so gently nipping and kissing, sometimes blowing a torturous breath against the heated flesh, leaving me wanting to shamelessly beg for more. I moan loudly, pushing my hips upwards into him only to have him pin me down and continue his ministrations. After a while, he slowly begins to move along my shaft, licking and sucking, taking in more and more.

I feel the heated coil in my lower regions tighten unbearably and I just want to find release. My body trembles and shivers, writhing beneath him as he plays with me. God, I _need _this so _badly_.

"_B-Beyond_… Please! I-I need to—Ah!"

My plea is cut off by a particularly hard suck and I throw my head back into the pillows, moaning in ecstasy. I whimper after finding that his sinful mouth left me and I'm left panting miserably. I don't know how he lubricated his fingers so quickly, but soon I feel one of his fingers teasing my entrance. I reflexively tense at the motion.

"Shh," he says softly, running his fingers gently through my black raven tresses. "Just relax, L. It will hurt less." With that said, he slowly presses a finger into me, but I instinctively tighten around him. He seems to disregard it, moving his finger slowly in and out, trying to get me used to the motion.

After a few minutes, I start to get used to the feeling, only to feel a second finger added. I wince a bit at the intrusion and I'm not sure of how much more I can take. Thankfully, I adjust much faster to the second and third fingers, eventually finding the pain turning into a strange yet intense pleasure.

Suddenly, I see stars and the cry of euphoria tearing from my throat surprises even me. I can practically hear Beyond grinning. I push my hips onto his fingers, needing to feel that amazing sensation again.

"Haah! Nnn! B-Beyond! There! M-more! _Please_…"

"Seems I found it, huh, Lawli?"

"_Y-yes_… B… Need _more_…"

"Me too, L," you say, voice thick with desire and need. I immediately feel you brushing up against my entrance, taunting me before pushing in suddenly and without warning. A pain-laced cry of pleasure escapes my lips and you hungrily move to kiss me, silencing me.

You hiss in pleasure and I can tell that you're trying desperately to hold still and wait for me to adjust. I can tell that you don't want to hurt me now. I can't help feeling that nothing else matters outside of this moment. Still, I find myself in shock that you're letting me feel any pleasure considering how I hurt you.

Finally, after I can feel little to no pain, I shift my hips a little, encouraging you to move. You waste no time in thrusting into me, trying to be gentle in the beginning, but easily losing your self-control as you slam into me at a punishing pace, filling the room with lusty moans.

"Nngh… God, _L_… So tight…"

"B… more… please, harder! I-I need—Mmn!"

A sloppy and forceful kiss swallows my pleas and I kiss back with matching passion, feeling you gripping my hair almost painfully. This is all I've ever wanted… Why would I ever leave this? I try desperately to taste him, to feel his aura and presence surround me; I never want this to end.

He adjust the angle of his thrusts by grabbing my hips, slamming head on into my prostate, ripping moan after lusty moan from my lips and I toss and turn, drowning in a sea of pleasure. His grip is so tight that I have no doubt he'll leave bruises, but I don't care—I just need to feel him, _all _of him.

"Hnn… God, Lawli, _yes_! Haah, tell me who this body belongs to, L," he grinds out, moving faster and faster.

I try helplessly to give a coherent response. "Y-you…"

"_Who_, L?!"

"You, Beyond… I-it's yours…" I moan pathetically.

"Who's your master, L?"

"Y-you are…"

"_Louder, L!_"

"Y-you are!" I cry out, not caring who hears.

"Good… Nnngh! Ughn, I think I'll… haah, reward you, L," you say, panting heavily. You lean down the suck and nip at my collar bone, moving your hand down to my weeping erection and stroking me at a steady pace. The build-up is almost painful and I'm close to having tears in my eyes. I _need _to come.

"B… I—"

"Who's your master, L?" you ask again, voice think with lust. I'm confused and being blinded by my need for release, but I answer you regardless.

"Y-you are, Beyond!"

"Then address me… as master, L…" you order, slowing your pace and punishing me. I immediately respond, desperately wanting you to push me to the edge.

"M-master… please… I-I need… I need to come…" I plead hopelessly with you, praying that you're feeling generous. Knowing you, you're likely to prolong this even longer.

"What was that, pet?"

"_Please, _master! I need to come! It hurts so bad… please… L-let me—Mmph!"

Once again forcing your tongue into my mouth, I feel you slowly and torturously remove the cock ring, stroking me in time with your thrusts as you drive into my prostate relentlessly. Moments later, I find release, crying out your name as my essence spilling on us both; you reach your end seconds later. I hear you growl out my name as you ride out your orgasm through several more half-hearted thrusts, clinging to me possessively. To my mild surprise, you don't pull out, instead wrapping your arms around me and cuddling me, burying your face into my neck and breathing in my scent.

"Mmmn… I love you, L Lawliet. You're mine. My L…"

"…I love you, too, Beyond," I say quietly, not wanting to upset you as you're clearly comfortable.

"…Next time I'm going to be a little rougher with you, Lawli."

"…" I say nothing, unsure of how to respond to that or if you even want me to say anything at all. B, on the other hand, merely continues to lay over top of me, spent and breathing deeply. I think back to all that I went through and find that I feel liberated completely. My life as L the Detective almost feels like a dream… a really nightmarish dream. Now, I am merely L Lawliet, lover of Beyond Birthday, and I wouldn't change it for anything. As I drift off, I could swear I hear you whispering.

"…I guess we're both living in Asylum, L—otherwise known as the emotional trap called 'Love'. But at least now we can live here together… together forever. …And I will _never _let you leave."

**The End**

11,400 words…

…Yeah, so I am forgiven maybe?

This is one of the longest things I've ever written that is NOT a multi-chapter story. I love it and this idea had been floating in my head a while and I thought, "Hey, why not share the angst and smex?" so you all got this. I swear between slowly moving forward with my other stories despite lack of inspiration, school and… other things… this had been on my laptop for well over a month.

Still, whenever I re-read this I think, "Sex after death? Sounds legit." And I then proceed to giggle to myself. But seriously, I think the transition is fine. It's not 'because-we-wanna-fuck' sex. It's the 'hey-we've-been-through-a-lot-but-can-finally-have-this' type of sex. It's a treat and a show of true love here.

As for the sex… Even though there _is_ genuine love there, it's always going to have an element of dysfunction to it. I mean, guys, it's BB and L. I don't think either of them are capable of a normal relationship, be it friendship or love. In fact, I can't think of one thing I've written that DOESN'T have some element of dysfunction to it. Even the GaaNeji, because possessiveness to that extent has the potential to kill someone. Especially in combination with Shukaku.

AND A LATE HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO YOU ALL! No better way to celebrate than by taking your dead bird out of its body bag, stuffing and desecrating it's corpse and then unceremoniously devouring it, right?

Also, I am guilty of loving the Pokémon games, so of course I got Pokémon Y and have been abusing the Pokémon Amie feature to no end and mass breeding Sylveon because it's the best thing since Vaporeon. And I love my Megas: Mega Banette, Mega Charizard and Mega Gengar. Gengar is my favorite G1 Pokémon. And since I'm Pokémon sexist, every one of my team fighters is female, from Greninja to Charizard. And yes, I have all the starters. Finally completed the Central Kalos Dex, caught and registered and got nothing for it. Yup. Nothing. First Pokédex I ever completed, too.

And of course, school, friends, family, a cat and a boyfriend add to time consumption.

But again, semester's almost over! Then I have all the time in the world to update! Just a little longer, guys! I'm not dead!

English to Russian translations are thanks to Google Translate. Lyrics are all thanks to AZLyrics's site.

Love you all, even if you're not there anymore,

Rainbow-chan :3

And review, please. The button is your friend. It doesn't bite.

…Often.

l

l

V


End file.
